Written by Chloe Feeney 18/12/2017
Writing this is a huge step for me in helping me move forward...
Getting pregnant wasn’t easy. It took us over a year. But when we finally did I freaked out. It’s like my body already knew it was going to be hard work. I never managed to get a positive pregnancy test at home. But went to the doctor and we did bloods. Yes I was pregnant!!!!! The excitement and happiness for my hubby and I were next level. I began getting spotting and cramping which was when I was rushed in for an urgent scan at about 6weeks and then again for the same situation a few weeks later. Sadly the last scan they told us the pregnancy wasn’t “viable”. Just that word makes me cringe. Just like that. My whole entire body felt like it shut down. I cried for what felt like weeks.
My whole life I’ve wanted children. Being an early childhood teacher for under twos. I’d loved and cared for so many others children. It was something I always wanted and knew I had to have. Clearly my heart broke after our first miscarriage. I became slightly obsessed with wanting to get pregnant. I did every ovulation test possible and lay with my legs against a wall for 30mins after intercourse (crazy I know!!!) but it took another good five months to get pregnant again. I cried every time I got my period and I’d pray each month that this month would be the month I’d get pregnant. I had numerous crying fits and felt extremely fragile. My poor husband was honestly my rock and my Mum was amazing, she listened, I cried to her and she held me tight numerous times. My sister was amazing too sending me quotes of positivity everyday and sending me care parcels. My best friend had me crying down the phone to her and she admitted later she’d cry after we’d finish talking.
This time I felt different. From the day we conceived November 2016 I felt nausea. Like next level nausea. I didn’t want to go to the doctor. Because I was scared to know I was pregnant too soon. I wanted to be like 6-8 weeks. But I couldn’t wait. I went to the doctor and was soon told “you’re pregnant”. About 5 weeks! They said I’d have bloods every 48hours to keep an eye on my HCG levels. The nurse rang me twice a week to inform me on what my HCG levels were doing. I’d break down and cry most of the time as they’d hardly ever doubled like they were meant to. Which freaked me out that something wasn’t right.
I felt kinda funny at work one afternoon, at this point I was secretly vomiting and could hardly keep food down. I went to the toilet on my afternoon tea break and boom, blood. And I mean rather a lot of it! I felt so sad and could hardly talk. I had to get my boss to call my hubby and off we went to an urgent doctors appointment. I was sent for a scan within the hour. I was so so nervous and could hardly talk for crying. I was terrified I was going to be told “this isn’t a viable pregnancy” like last time. But much to our surprise the radiographer did an internal scan to not only find one baby growing but two! We were expecting twins! Both measuring at six weeks. My heart melted and tears rolled down my cheeks of joy. Two sacs and two babies growing. Both similar sizes and conceived what they thought probably hours apart! Amazing!!!! I had ovulated twice! I thought to myself that our path had been mapped out for us. This was meant to be. Our family would be complete.
Instantly it all became a high risk pregnancy, I was referred to a specialist so they could keep an eye on the babies. I had weekly scans and internal scans (yuck!). Each week I’d pray the babies would be well and ok. At this point I couldn’t work. I was vomiting so, so much and I don’t mean morning sickness. I mean diagnosed HG sickness at week 6 or 7. Week nine again at work one of the days I managed to be there I went to the toilet to find a lot of blood. This time I knew something wasn’t right. Hubby rushed to get me yet again! My GP wasn’t working... so a nice nurse took me from the waiting room as I could hardly breath with pure anxiety. It was about 4pm... I remember it so clearly. Hubby was trying hard to calm me down and actually instructing me to breath... cause I was so worked up! The GP I didn’t know rang and they had no available urgent scan till 9am the next morning. I kid you not, hubby had to almost carry me out of the GP’s. I just froze and on the inside I was screaming!!!! How can you even call that an urgent scan? I had to go home, try to sleep and then get up the next day and be brave. Safe to say I sobbed all night and even thought about rocking up to A&E for a scan. But thought I’d better not as someone who was worse off than me would be there for sure.
So the next day we headed off to Hagley Radiology. I was a nervous wreck and looked like I’d been dragged out of bed. I couldn’t bring myself to do my hair or face or anything. I visualised both my babies were gone. The lady called me in at 9:17am. I remember it because I was experiencing heart palpitations. In my mind I was thinking “how can you leave someone who thinks they’re loosing their baby for 15 whole minutes in a waiting room? Why is this happening to me? What did I ever do to feel this scared and hurt? Please be there babies. I love you so much” this lady called “Chloe Feeney”. I nearly ran over. She did the scan and straight away through a tummy ultrasound we could see twin A and then we did an internal and found twin B. Twin B’s heart rate was the tiniest bit slower. The radiographer and her team in the room next door proceeded to talk about me for 40mins. “Should we admit her to hospital incase she has another heavy bleed? Should we ask her specialist to put her on bed rest? Have you told her twin B probably won’t survive”. This was all the things I could hear :-( the lady came back and advised me to ask my specialist what to do next but she suspected I’d be sent for a second opinion in a few weeks.
Tuesday 20th December: I was almost nine or ten weeks pregnant now and went for the next scan. I’d had spotting on and off and my midwife tried to reassure me that sometimes you can have spotting all the way through and because I’d had so many internals it can cause bleeding. Especially with twins. Hubby was positive and hopeful that both bubs would be there. I went to Rutland Street Radiology which I always book into when I can. I love the staff and the facilities. They’re all really lovely. The lady said here’s “twin A” there bubs was growing and wriggling like crazy! Then we did the dreaded internal again and she turned to me and said here’s “twin B” I could see from the picture bubs heart wasn’t beating. The lady looked at Gareth and I and said “I’m so so sorry but twin B’s heart beat has stopped”. Tears rolled down my face as she called a chaperone in to confirm that twin B’s heart beat had stopped. Hubby held my hand so so tight. We both agreed to grieve as much as we needed to and then focus on twin “A”
We had to remain positive for this single bub, we owed it to that baby. We wanted this baby more than anything.
I continued to bleed and vomit 24/7 until about week 20. The vomiting stopped for a week then started again. I continued to have weekly scans until week 20. I hardly gained weight until week 25 when my tummy began to show. I was told to drink protein shakes to build myself and bubs up as bubs was measuring small!! I had anxiety through the roof as I was so so scared I’d loose our baby. At week 25 I hadn’t told my family overseas or in fact anyone other than work colleagues and a couple of friends. My specialist challenged me to tell people close to me. I couldn’t and didn’t until about week 27 or 28. I was still frightened, in fact petrified of loosing this baby. I’d walk into people I knew and they’d be shocked to find out and see I was pregnant!
I was so upset when I had lost our first baby people would say “natures way” or “they’re had to be something wrong with it”. Why say that? So cruel that was the last bloody thing I needed to hear. When we opened up to a few friends I even had someone comment “you’re not the only one to have had a miscarriage” I mean how sad is that? I never once said or thought I was the only one. I found it hard to watch others announce they were having twins and deep down still do find it hard even talking about twins. But on Friday 21st July 2017 our beautiful daughter, Lottie Emma Hines was born at 12:38pm weighing 8lbs 6oz. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us. We feel so so blessed. I think and pray for her twin everyday. I’m thankful for my angel with us earth side and our two angels in heaven. Our first pregnancy and Lottie’s twin. That’s a part of Lottie’s journey into the world and I’ll be telling her all about her journey inside me when she’s old enough to understand. We don’t share Lottie on social media. Long before we had children, that’s something we decided we would never do. So here are some scan pictures instead of our little ones inside me.
Remember getting pregnant is hard for some people. It’s exhausting and you have absolutely no idea what kind of journey each person is going through. Respect, listen and don’t make comments. Just be there for the couple or person. You don’t need to add your five cents. It’s already a hard enough journey for most! Oh and one word of advice.... never give up. I was so close until this miracle of ours happened. And that she is. A miracle. Our angel Lottie .
Chloe and Gareth are enjoying parenthood, they can't wait to celebrate their wee Lottie's first birthday later this month and their angel babies are always in their thoughts.